Randy Moller, announcer for the NHL's Florida Panthers, certainly has a way with words when his team scores a goal. (Note: these are 100% real calls.)
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
TBOX 2009 Drinking Tournament
The time is here again for the Twelve Bars Of Xmas tournament predictions. At TBOX, you receive a piece of wire at the first bar at 10 a.m. and a piece of wire at the final bar around 10 p.m. The goal is to go “wire to wire” and the real champions then continue beyond that until only one alcoholic remains. It should be noted that the event itself is not a competition at all, just a big ass bar crawl. This is purely for everyone's entertainment.
Special thanks to Charles for his help on this. (Note: this is a fictional story and the characters, although loosely based on real people, should be taken as completely fictional.)
The Competitors
Kiss
Scouting report: The reigning back-to-back champion is attempting the group's first ever TBOX three-peat. Kiss has asserted his dominance as the biggest drinker in the group with T turning his attention to other substances. Simply put, the man treats every night of drinking like he's Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. His alcoholism has been pushed to unseen heights since moving in with Chaz and The O'Cey earlier this spring.
Career highlights:
-First back-to-back champion in TBOX history.
-2007, made it out late night to Beaumont's and was Last Man Standing along with Chaz and The O'Cey.
Best finish: Last Man Standing (2007, 2008)
Career average BAC: 1.8
T
Scouting report: After spending most of 2009 battling a much-publicized substance abuse problem, T pulled himself together late in the summer and began drinking nightly in preparation for TBOX. However, T is still listed as 'doubtful' for this Saturday's TBOX, which has fantasy owners concerned. Although it was originally reported he was doubtful because of a family party, insiders discovered his intense training took a toll on his already-failing liver and he recently strained it. This could severely hurt his chances of regaining his summer 2007 alcoholic form. This man may be a shell of his former drinking self, but he has a knack for stepping up in big moments. Time will tell if he has one more miracle drunken run in him or not.
Career highlights:
-2006 and 2007, trashed the Subway on Clark Street.
Best finish: Last Man Standing (2006)
Career average BAC: 2.0
Chaz
Scouting report: Another fierce drinking competitor that has been tamed in recent years, Chaz is now a wise veteran who knows when and where to pick his spots. Whether it be alcohol, narcotics or years of wear and tear from flag football, this man's body has been through hell. Living in the Crack Den for four months in 2007 cut four years off of his life alone. By all accounts, Chaz should look more broken than Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler. Instead, he looks like Adam Lambert's wet dream thanks to tanning and a steady diet of protein shakes, HGH and anabolic steroids. This has allowed him to maintain a chizzled, bronze exterior. A supplemental diet consisting of an Extenze/Viagra cocktail has allowed him to maintain what is commonly referred to as a "functioning, slightly below average-sized male penis."
Career highlights
-2007, made it out late night to Beaumont's and was Last Man Standing along with Kiss and The O'Cey.
-2008, left TBOX at 6 p.m. to hook up with a chick.
Career lowlights
-2008, she was not worth it.
Best finish: Last Man Standing (2007)
Career average BAC: 1.6
Joey Koglin
Scouting report: Not only is Koglin the godfather of TBOX (introducing it to the group in 2006), but he is also by far the most motivated of all the TBOX competitors heading into this year's event. In 2008 he was screwed out of acquiring his wire at the final bar, Cubby Bear, because the bouncer would not let him in after he got a bit carried away during the "Marty" chants and started banging the door. And speaking of Marty, Koglin owes the giant a nutshot after last year Marty nearly neutered him. Koglin may not be considered the most formidable drinker on a drink-to-drink basis, but he is resourceful and always manages to make it to the end of the night. His craftiness could pay major dividends as he tries to win this competition and be the last man standing for the first time in his illustrious TBOX career.
Career highlights:
-2006, defeated Tokio Jones in a "cougar make out" competition before eventually losing to Dan Pohl.
-2008, found a girl's phone and began making out with her upon returning it.
-2008, sang "Since You Been Gone" while standing on a booth at Central.
Career lowlights:
-2008, bouncers would not let him into the final bar, Cubby Bear.
-2008, Smashley. Stairwell. Yikes.
Career average BAC: 1.4
The O'Cey
Scouting report: The O'Cey has carved out a unique niche for himself in recent years. No matter how drunk he gets, he always remains sickeningly committed to getting ass from anyone or anything. Simply put, long after the lights go out in his head, The O'Cey's penis is still in firm control of his actions as it searches for a warm, damp place to spend the night. This often leads to trouble as The O'Cey's penis has lower standards than Steve Phillips. It has more battle scars and STDs than A-Rod's dick after a night with Madonna. However, he is always a dark horse to make it to the end.
Career highlights:
-2007 made it to Beaumont's with Kiss and Chaz and was somehow able to meet a chick there that he would continue to hook up with for several months. (Only speaking to/seeing her on the weekends between the hours of 2 a.m. and 10 a.m.)
Career lowlights:
-Too many to list.
Best finish: Last Man Standing (2007)
Career average BAC: 1.4
Marty
Scouting report: This man measures his dick by dropping it over the edge of Trump Tower and hoping it does not hit a pedestrian on the sidewalk below. That has nothing to do with his drinking ability, but it needed to be established. In all honesty, Marty's drinking skills are sub-par for a man of his size, but for reasons that will be explained below, he is the most dangerous man to ever attend TBOX. He will arrive at TBOX via an armored military motorcade and will be escorted from bar to bar wearing reinforced steel shackles and a Hannibal Lecter mask. Two guards armed with tranquilizers strong enough to collapse a rhinoceros and cause it to evacuate its bowels will by at his side at all times.
Career highlights:
-2008, broke a man's face while standing in line outside of Houndstooth at 6 p.m. (Yes...broke...a man's...face. Imagine a 6'10" 300 lb. monster that looks like a deranged WWE character dressed in a Santa suit. You are standing next to this man waiting to get into Houndstooh. What would compel you to cut in line in front of this man? Furthermore, what would compel you to then talk shit to him? I do not know, but some poor man made such a mistake, and now his face looks like Tom Cruise's did in Vanilla Sky. After this fellow made an off-color remark about Marty's appearance, the goliath clinched his fist and struck the man, essentially inflicting the same amount of damage as Nick Hogan inflicted on John Graziano, only without the use of a speeding car. As Marty described it, "When I hit him, I heard his face break." Now, it must be mentioned that in an incident that occurred no more than 5 weeks prior to TBOX, on Nov. 1, 2008, Marty threw a different man through the window of the same bar. The kicker here is they were standing outside the bar at the time, so Marty threw this man through the glass into the bar. His reasoning? This man was verbally abusing a lady and by all accounts he deserved it. After that episode, Marty certainly could not be caught outside the same bar standing over someone who he just performed a complete facial reconstruction on. Marty (in his Santa suit, remember), began running and dashed into Central where the rest of the group, and the entire bar, had just heard a mortifying version of "Since You Been Gone," sung by Joey Koglin, Harmon and Rat (somewhere Simon Cowell is shaking his head saying, "That was bloody dreadful"). I remember Marty entering the bar with the panicked look of a man who is not sure whether or not he just ended someone else's life. As he told me what happened, I glanced outside to see an ambulance flying down the street going 40 mph towards Houndstooth. We never found out what happened to the man, but if there's ever a Vanilla Sky sequel he definitely has a job as Tom Cruise's double. But I would love to hear him tell the story of the time he nearly got decapitated by a 6'10" dude in a Santa suit outside of Houndstooth...and how police could not locate a giant man in the Santa suit afterward.)
-2008, had his name chanted while the group was outside of Cubby Bear, leading to Koglin not completing the bar crawl.
Career lowlights:
-2006, went home and took a degrading five-hour break from TBOX before returning. Blames it on Hoskins to this day.
Career average BAC: 1.2
Rat
Scouting report: Rat has taken the group by storm in 2009. His insistence on visiting for every Notre Dame game this fall made him into a household name, yet no one has been able to quantify his overall drinking skills. Often Rat will end a night of drinking by shadily ducking out to meet a mysterious fling that has yet to be seen by anyone else. His disappearances often lead to several upset ladies...and men.
Career highlights:
-2008, sang "Since You Been Gone" while standing on a booth at Central.
Career average BAC: unknown
Stinki Stu
Scouting report: Stu is the most under-rated drinker in the group and he knows the only way to change this stigma is to be the last man standing at TBOX. This man is always quietly one of the last people out on any given night. Perhaps his stamina is helped by his fashionably late appearances due to "side jobs." Stu has been on a rare dancing terror in 2009, displaying his cat-like footwork that is usually reserved for flag football games and a largely forgotten high school basketball career. Does he have what it takes to finally cement his place amongst the drinking elite?
Career highlights:
-2006, bouncers would not allow him to enter Kinkaid's after the bar crawl.
-2007, received a dry handjob on the dance floor of Sluggers.
Career lowlights:
-2007, handjob was administered by the female equivalent of Mark Mangino.
Career average BAC: 1.1
Tokio Jones
Scouting report: With his two greatest drinking performances distant memories (an impressive Last Man Standing performance at the 2006 TBOX and the legendary 'late night rally' up north in 2008), it's tough to get behind the idea that this man will be the last man standing this year. He is overdue for one of his unexplainable all-pro drinking performances, but recent early exits have led experts to believe he will only go as far as his girlfriend goes in this competition.
Career highlights:
-2006, went to Zella's after the bar crawl.
Career lowlights:
-2007, was struck by an ice ball in the eye by the woman he is now dating.
-2006, lost a 'cougar make out' competition to Koglin.
Best Finish: Last Man Standing (2006)
Career average BAC: .06
Manic
Scouting report: The only thing this man hates more than himself is his job. Never a threat to go the distance, Manic is completely content drinking heavily, quickly and going home once he begins making ethnic slurs. It remains to be seen how his intense drinking style will translate in an all-day event, but once he hits the wall, he is usually done for the night.
Career highlights: n/a
Career average BAC: 1.2
Cokie
Scouting report: Cokie is a converted ginger from parts unknown. His gig as Cokie the Clown (working on the BoZo Show with his dad, Cookie), fell through in the early 90s due to a coke problem that would make Shawn Kemp blush. Since then, Cokie has tried to switch to alcoholism in recent years but no matter what he does he cannot build his tolerance any higher than '11-year-old virgin female.' Yet this snow powder prince excels in other areas, namely getting fucked, sucked and beat off more times in the past 6-8 years than all the other members of the group combined. He has the imagination, sex drive and vocabulary of an adolescent boy. Although he may not possess the biggest tolerance, his antics are always entertaining.
Career highlights: n/a
Career average BAC: .06
------------------------------------
The Tournament
Noon-2 p.m.
We skip the first two hours of the bar crawl to get right into the action. The only notable part of the first two hours is Stu's fashionably late 11:42 a.m. arrival.
12:17 p.m. Koglin and Rat continue to set an illegal drinking pace as they are in obvious pain while watching IU get destroyed by Kentucky.
12:19 p.m. Kiss begins taking shots.
12:23 p.m. Cokie finishes his second beer in two hours and is officially the first to become "highly buzzed."
12:48 p.m. Having already dropped $150, Marty goes to the ATM for the first time.
12:59 p.m. Tokio Jones and Kahn finish their third straight hour of holding hands. They are going for the world record today, folks.
1:13 p.m. The O'Cey begins to loosen up enough to start explaining the "O.C.E.Y." system of picking up chicks to unsuspecting and disgusted females.
1:25 p.m. T gives The O'Cey a well-deserved "queer" call.
1:32 p.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "smokin' hot" to "hot."
1:46 p.m. Koglin, upset about IU's 34 point loss to the Wildcats, begins to talk shit to Christopher Festa from across the bar.
1:48 p.m. Festa confronts Koglin.
1:49 p.m. Marty steps in. Festa apologizes profusely. Marty makes Festa give Koglin his fur coat.
2 p.m.-4 p.m.
The bar crawl is in full swing and the sloppiness is beginning to manifest itself.
2:04 p.m. Manic hears the story of Marty nearly killing a man in 2008. He becomes strangely attracted to Marty.
2:22 p.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "hot" to "attractive."
2:48 p.m. Cokie begins playing with Kari's breasts in public. This is typically his "I'm about an hour away from passing out" signal.
3:23 p.m. Chaz, who has been quiet thusfar, busts into the Superbowl Shuffle. He is immediately joined by the rest of the males in the group.
3:55 p.m. Marty visits the ATM for a second time.
4 p.m. to 6 p.m.
Some people continue with the bar crawl as planned while others make food stops. Ian's Pizza is the place of choice.
4:12 p.m. T throws a brick through the window of the Subway on Addison.
4:27 p.m. Cokie, now completely obliterated, begins lobbying for Kari to make out with other girls in a feeble attempt at sparking a threesome.
4:46 p.m. The group arrives at Moe's. Chaos ensues.
4:53 p.m. After sobering up from the food, Chaz, T and Kiss hit the Moe's bar hard, ordering margaritas, patron shots, Jagerbombs while completely degrading any and every waitress that serves them.
5:04 p.m. Tokio Jones has his first drink.
5:16 p.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "attractive" to "cute."
5:24 p.m. Manic, after drinking nothing but double mixed drinks all day, begins badgering Marty about having a wrestling match. Marty, a tranquil man unless provoked, still regrets his actions in 2008 and is resistant to even joke around about fighting.
5:33 p.m. The action spills onto the Moe's dance floor, where Jones and Stu have a dance-off that would make Michael Jackson proud. Kahn attempts to join the dance off. Stu punches her harder than Snookie gets punched on Jersey Shore. Jones has a total body orgasm at the sight of this.
5:47 p.m. Everyone in the bar is forced to turn their attention to Koglin and Rat, who are screaming in absolute agony and disbelief when they find out the Brian Kelly/Notre Dame rumors were untrue. Norte Dame's new head coach is actually worse than Brian Kelly. The new Notre Dame coach is actually none other than Pete Carroll.
5:53 p.m. A defeated and emotional Koglin tells Rat, "You're all I've got left. I'll never let go, Rat. Never."
6 p.m.-8 p.m.
After 8 hours of drinking, the men begin to become separated from the boys.
6:02 p.m. Marty visits the ATM for the third time.
6:16 p.m. Cokie throws in the towel. He and Kari go home, with Cokie holding out hope that he can convince Skyla to be the third member of the threesome.
6:57 p.m. Moe's is completely packed. The only man that can get through all the people in line for drinks is Stu, who travels through the crowd via a series of spin moves, swim moves and ballerina-like footwork.
7:22 p.m. Mercifully, the group leaves Moe's.
7:34 p.m. While walking to the next bar, Manic finally becomes disillusioned enough to the point where he actually believes Marty is Andre the Giant. Manic jumps on Marty's back and attempts to administer a sleeper hold. Marty goes down to one knee. Chaz raises Marty's arm once, lets it go and it drops to his side. Chaz raises Marty's arm again, drops it, and again it falls lifelessly to his side. One more and Marty is eliminated. This time, Marty does not let his hand fall. He gets back up to his feet with Manic still perched atop his back. He reaches back with his large paw, grabs Manic by the neck and throws him over his shoulder onto the icy ground. The group continues to the next bar as a half-dead, half erect Manic lies on the sidewalk laughing sadistically.
7:48 p.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "cute" to "fuckable."
7:56 p.m. T and Kiss switch to Jack.
8 p.m.-10 p.m.
The final stretch of the bar crawl.
8:10 p.m. Manic returns and is hell bent on revenge. He storms into the bar and immediately goes after Marty. Not wanting to hurt the wasian, Marty tries to fend him off, but when Manic connects on a slap to the side of the face, the giant is ignited. Marty becomes outraged, tossing off those who are trying to restrain him like rag dolls. Manic quickly exits the bar but is followed by Marty.
8:27 p.m. Kiss is at a crossroads. Unsatisfied by Ian's Pizza and unwilling to go to Mexicana, he makes the executive decision to take a cab to Jamito's and return in time for the final bar. Many people warn him that it is too early for Jamito's, but as a back-to-back champion, Kiss is slightly overconfident. No Caucasian male has ever eaten Jamito's late at night and made it back out to the bar to tell about it.
8:44 p.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "fuckable" to "I'm drunk, she'll do."
8:54 p.m. The group decides to hit up one more bar before the Cubby Bear finale.
9:01 p.m. Kiss finishes off his third burrito. His attention turns to finding a place to take a quick food coma. Out of habit, he tries to return to his old apartment on Sheffield. When the door is locked, he breaks the window of his old bedroom, climbs inside and passes out in some random woman's bed.
9:09 p.m. The group arrives at another bar and is shocked to see Marty and Manic sitting together at the bar doing shots. Apparently they have settled their differences. However, once people start asking them what happened, Manic gets riled up again and begins Flair-chopping Marty in the chest. Marty grabs Manic by the neck and chokeslams him through a table. A crowd of onlookers lets out a loud "Ohhhhh!" Chaz is erect.
9:27 p.m. Manic is carried out of the bar on a stretcher. Marty is lead out in handcuffs.
9:34 p.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "I'm drunk, she'll do" to "She's not that bad."
10 p.m.-midnight
What is left of the group heads to Cubby Bear to collect their final wires and prepare for the final showdown.
10:06 p.m. While the others are standing in line for Cubby Bear, Rat craftily sneaks off and grabs a cab to meet his mystery fling. T is prepared for such a move and has already arranged to have Rat followed.
10:14 p.m. T's investigative reporter reveals that Rat was dropped off at a bar on Halsted in Boystown. There he meets a blond-haired lover named Jordi, who is known as "Golden Taint" in the gay community.
10:22 p.m. T reveals the news to Koglin. After an already awful day due to IU and Notre Dame, hearing that Rat is cheating on him with man named Golden Taint is the last straw for poor Joey. He goes berzerk and begins trashing the Cubby Bear. This draws the attention of bouncers and Christopher Festa himself, who has his eye on reclaiming his fur coat now that Marty is gone, presumably making some Mexican his bitch in county jail. Koglin knows this is the end, but as he is being escourted out of the bar by several bouncers and Festa, he turns around and delivers an knee-buckling nutshot to Festa. It goes down as the single greatest moment in TBOX history. Everyone in the bar that has received 34,562 e-mails about TBOX in the past two months lets out a loud roar. Much like Roy McAvoy's shot in the U.S. Open in Tin Cup, people might not remember who wins this TBOX, but they will remember Koglin's legendary shot.
10:25 p.m. An irate Koglin grabs a cab and heads to Boystown to confront Rat and Golden Taint.
10:30 p.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "She's not that bad" to "I'm going to regret this."
10:34 p.m. After acquiring his wire, T is feeling the pressure and leaves the bar with a friend to clear his mind and relax with the help of his favorite herbal remedy. He is never seen again. This exit is more embarrassing than his fantasy record the past three years.
10:46 p.m. The O'Cey goes to the bathroom and does not return. He passes out in a puddle of urine in the bathroom stall. These men are dropping like flies.
11:02 p.m. The woman that lives in Kiss' old apartment returns home and is mortified to find Kiss lying in her bed in nothing but a wife beater. There are burrito wrappers, glass and taco sauce stains all over the bed. She calls the police. This is a collassal upset. Only three competitors remain: Chaz, Tokio Jones and Stinki Stu, who are all locked in a heated final battle at the Cubby Bear.
11:37 p.m. Jones, concerned over the wellbeing of his roommates, leaves to find them. It is the classiest exit in TBOX history.
11:40 p.m. There are only two competitors remaining. Chaz and Stu. Both men are beyond intoxicated as they approach their 14th straight hour of drinking. Stu has not stopped sweating since his dance off against Tokio Jones at 5:30 p.m. Chaz's eyes are so cashed he lookes like an oriental woman.
11:54 p.m. Chaz and Vallem decide to take their battle to another bar. These men have been friends for 14 years but now they are the fiercest of foes. Chaz is looking to win the big one one last time before his career is over and Stu is a man looking to expand his legend to unfathomable heights with this win.
12:00 a.m. The men walk as they cannot agree on another bar. Stu argues that Chaz has had homefield advantage all day and suggests a Lincoln Park bar. Chaz is not having it. They forget what they were talking about. Their competitiveness turns into an extreme street dancing competition. Yes, they are drunk. Yes, they are white.
12:03 a.m. Through the course of their drunken dancing, the men separate and lose each other. Both are so drunk they cannot remember who they were even with.
12:08 a.m. Chaz assumes he has won and makes a trip to McDonald's for a victory Sunday. He then returns home.
12:09 a.m. Stu becomes distracted by a bum with a guitar and also assumes he has won. He goes over to the bum and begins rapping "Number One" by Nelly. After this embarrassing display, Stu is inspired by his victory and stumbles home to plan his new Christmas album, "Black Christmas."
12:41 a.m. The O'Cey wakes up from his embarrassing slumber. He emerges from the bathroom stall at Cubby Bear looking more fucked up than Gary Busse. Still obliterated, he stumbles out of the bathroom and tries to find everyone. When he cannot, he goes to the bar and orders a drink and a shot while he's waiting to see someone he recognizes.
12:46 a.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "I'm going to regret this" to "This chick would cause Steve Phillips to projectile vomit."
12:49 a.m. Completely belligerent, The O'Cey stumbles out of the bar and heads home, not realizing he is technically the Last Man Standing and has just pulled off the sloppiest upset in TBOX history. Frustrated he could not find a sea mammal to mate with, The O'Cey is also too drunk to realize he could be the winner. Instead he believes he has lost and returns to his apartment and completely trashes it. Doors are broken, holes are put in the wall, tables and chairs are strewn about the entire place; only the TV is spared. Chaz remains completely passed out through all of this.
12:56 a.m. Marty and Kiss spend the night in county jail together. Kiss is the little spoon.
(Note: All the scenarios above are completely fabricated and should not be taken as anything even remotely close to fact. Well, the career highlights might have a hint of truth to them I suppose, but that's it.)
Special thanks to Charles for his help on this. (Note: this is a fictional story and the characters, although loosely based on real people, should be taken as completely fictional.)
The Competitors
Kiss
Scouting report: The reigning back-to-back champion is attempting the group's first ever TBOX three-peat. Kiss has asserted his dominance as the biggest drinker in the group with T turning his attention to other substances. Simply put, the man treats every night of drinking like he's Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. His alcoholism has been pushed to unseen heights since moving in with Chaz and The O'Cey earlier this spring.
Career highlights:
-First back-to-back champion in TBOX history.
-2007, made it out late night to Beaumont's and was Last Man Standing along with Chaz and The O'Cey.
Best finish: Last Man Standing (2007, 2008)
Career average BAC: 1.8
T
Scouting report: After spending most of 2009 battling a much-publicized substance abuse problem, T pulled himself together late in the summer and began drinking nightly in preparation for TBOX. However, T is still listed as 'doubtful' for this Saturday's TBOX, which has fantasy owners concerned. Although it was originally reported he was doubtful because of a family party, insiders discovered his intense training took a toll on his already-failing liver and he recently strained it. This could severely hurt his chances of regaining his summer 2007 alcoholic form. This man may be a shell of his former drinking self, but he has a knack for stepping up in big moments. Time will tell if he has one more miracle drunken run in him or not.
Career highlights:
-2006 and 2007, trashed the Subway on Clark Street.
Best finish: Last Man Standing (2006)
Career average BAC: 2.0
Chaz
Scouting report: Another fierce drinking competitor that has been tamed in recent years, Chaz is now a wise veteran who knows when and where to pick his spots. Whether it be alcohol, narcotics or years of wear and tear from flag football, this man's body has been through hell. Living in the Crack Den for four months in 2007 cut four years off of his life alone. By all accounts, Chaz should look more broken than Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler. Instead, he looks like Adam Lambert's wet dream thanks to tanning and a steady diet of protein shakes, HGH and anabolic steroids. This has allowed him to maintain a chizzled, bronze exterior. A supplemental diet consisting of an Extenze/Viagra cocktail has allowed him to maintain what is commonly referred to as a "functioning, slightly below average-sized male penis."
Career highlights
-2007, made it out late night to Beaumont's and was Last Man Standing along with Kiss and The O'Cey.
-2008, left TBOX at 6 p.m. to hook up with a chick.
Career lowlights
-2008, she was not worth it.
Best finish: Last Man Standing (2007)
Career average BAC: 1.6
Joey Koglin
Scouting report: Not only is Koglin the godfather of TBOX (introducing it to the group in 2006), but he is also by far the most motivated of all the TBOX competitors heading into this year's event. In 2008 he was screwed out of acquiring his wire at the final bar, Cubby Bear, because the bouncer would not let him in after he got a bit carried away during the "Marty" chants and started banging the door. And speaking of Marty, Koglin owes the giant a nutshot after last year Marty nearly neutered him. Koglin may not be considered the most formidable drinker on a drink-to-drink basis, but he is resourceful and always manages to make it to the end of the night. His craftiness could pay major dividends as he tries to win this competition and be the last man standing for the first time in his illustrious TBOX career.
Career highlights:
-2006, defeated Tokio Jones in a "cougar make out" competition before eventually losing to Dan Pohl.
-2008, found a girl's phone and began making out with her upon returning it.
-2008, sang "Since You Been Gone" while standing on a booth at Central.
Career lowlights:
-2008, bouncers would not let him into the final bar, Cubby Bear.
-2008, Smashley. Stairwell. Yikes.
Career average BAC: 1.4
The O'Cey
Scouting report: The O'Cey has carved out a unique niche for himself in recent years. No matter how drunk he gets, he always remains sickeningly committed to getting ass from anyone or anything. Simply put, long after the lights go out in his head, The O'Cey's penis is still in firm control of his actions as it searches for a warm, damp place to spend the night. This often leads to trouble as The O'Cey's penis has lower standards than Steve Phillips. It has more battle scars and STDs than A-Rod's dick after a night with Madonna. However, he is always a dark horse to make it to the end.
Career highlights:
-2007 made it to Beaumont's with Kiss and Chaz and was somehow able to meet a chick there that he would continue to hook up with for several months. (Only speaking to/seeing her on the weekends between the hours of 2 a.m. and 10 a.m.)
Career lowlights:
-Too many to list.
Best finish: Last Man Standing (2007)
Career average BAC: 1.4
Marty
Scouting report: This man measures his dick by dropping it over the edge of Trump Tower and hoping it does not hit a pedestrian on the sidewalk below. That has nothing to do with his drinking ability, but it needed to be established. In all honesty, Marty's drinking skills are sub-par for a man of his size, but for reasons that will be explained below, he is the most dangerous man to ever attend TBOX. He will arrive at TBOX via an armored military motorcade and will be escorted from bar to bar wearing reinforced steel shackles and a Hannibal Lecter mask. Two guards armed with tranquilizers strong enough to collapse a rhinoceros and cause it to evacuate its bowels will by at his side at all times.
Career highlights:
-2008, broke a man's face while standing in line outside of Houndstooth at 6 p.m. (Yes...broke...a man's...face. Imagine a 6'10" 300 lb. monster that looks like a deranged WWE character dressed in a Santa suit. You are standing next to this man waiting to get into Houndstooh. What would compel you to cut in line in front of this man? Furthermore, what would compel you to then talk shit to him? I do not know, but some poor man made such a mistake, and now his face looks like Tom Cruise's did in Vanilla Sky. After this fellow made an off-color remark about Marty's appearance, the goliath clinched his fist and struck the man, essentially inflicting the same amount of damage as Nick Hogan inflicted on John Graziano, only without the use of a speeding car. As Marty described it, "When I hit him, I heard his face break." Now, it must be mentioned that in an incident that occurred no more than 5 weeks prior to TBOX, on Nov. 1, 2008, Marty threw a different man through the window of the same bar. The kicker here is they were standing outside the bar at the time, so Marty threw this man through the glass into the bar. His reasoning? This man was verbally abusing a lady and by all accounts he deserved it. After that episode, Marty certainly could not be caught outside the same bar standing over someone who he just performed a complete facial reconstruction on. Marty (in his Santa suit, remember), began running and dashed into Central where the rest of the group, and the entire bar, had just heard a mortifying version of "Since You Been Gone," sung by Joey Koglin, Harmon and Rat (somewhere Simon Cowell is shaking his head saying, "That was bloody dreadful"). I remember Marty entering the bar with the panicked look of a man who is not sure whether or not he just ended someone else's life. As he told me what happened, I glanced outside to see an ambulance flying down the street going 40 mph towards Houndstooth. We never found out what happened to the man, but if there's ever a Vanilla Sky sequel he definitely has a job as Tom Cruise's double. But I would love to hear him tell the story of the time he nearly got decapitated by a 6'10" dude in a Santa suit outside of Houndstooth...and how police could not locate a giant man in the Santa suit afterward.)
-2008, had his name chanted while the group was outside of Cubby Bear, leading to Koglin not completing the bar crawl.
Career lowlights:
-2006, went home and took a degrading five-hour break from TBOX before returning. Blames it on Hoskins to this day.
Career average BAC: 1.2
Rat
Scouting report: Rat has taken the group by storm in 2009. His insistence on visiting for every Notre Dame game this fall made him into a household name, yet no one has been able to quantify his overall drinking skills. Often Rat will end a night of drinking by shadily ducking out to meet a mysterious fling that has yet to be seen by anyone else. His disappearances often lead to several upset ladies...and men.
Career highlights:
-2008, sang "Since You Been Gone" while standing on a booth at Central.
Career average BAC: unknown
Stinki Stu
Scouting report: Stu is the most under-rated drinker in the group and he knows the only way to change this stigma is to be the last man standing at TBOX. This man is always quietly one of the last people out on any given night. Perhaps his stamina is helped by his fashionably late appearances due to "side jobs." Stu has been on a rare dancing terror in 2009, displaying his cat-like footwork that is usually reserved for flag football games and a largely forgotten high school basketball career. Does he have what it takes to finally cement his place amongst the drinking elite?
Career highlights:
-2006, bouncers would not allow him to enter Kinkaid's after the bar crawl.
-2007, received a dry handjob on the dance floor of Sluggers.
Career lowlights:
-2007, handjob was administered by the female equivalent of Mark Mangino.
Career average BAC: 1.1
Tokio Jones
Scouting report: With his two greatest drinking performances distant memories (an impressive Last Man Standing performance at the 2006 TBOX and the legendary 'late night rally' up north in 2008), it's tough to get behind the idea that this man will be the last man standing this year. He is overdue for one of his unexplainable all-pro drinking performances, but recent early exits have led experts to believe he will only go as far as his girlfriend goes in this competition.
Career highlights:
-2006, went to Zella's after the bar crawl.
Career lowlights:
-2007, was struck by an ice ball in the eye by the woman he is now dating.
-2006, lost a 'cougar make out' competition to Koglin.
Best Finish: Last Man Standing (2006)
Career average BAC: .06
Manic
Scouting report: The only thing this man hates more than himself is his job. Never a threat to go the distance, Manic is completely content drinking heavily, quickly and going home once he begins making ethnic slurs. It remains to be seen how his intense drinking style will translate in an all-day event, but once he hits the wall, he is usually done for the night.
Career highlights: n/a
Career average BAC: 1.2
Cokie
Scouting report: Cokie is a converted ginger from parts unknown. His gig as Cokie the Clown (working on the BoZo Show with his dad, Cookie), fell through in the early 90s due to a coke problem that would make Shawn Kemp blush. Since then, Cokie has tried to switch to alcoholism in recent years but no matter what he does he cannot build his tolerance any higher than '11-year-old virgin female.' Yet this snow powder prince excels in other areas, namely getting fucked, sucked and beat off more times in the past 6-8 years than all the other members of the group combined. He has the imagination, sex drive and vocabulary of an adolescent boy. Although he may not possess the biggest tolerance, his antics are always entertaining.
Career highlights: n/a
Career average BAC: .06
------------------------------------
The Tournament
Noon-2 p.m.
We skip the first two hours of the bar crawl to get right into the action. The only notable part of the first two hours is Stu's fashionably late 11:42 a.m. arrival.
12:17 p.m. Koglin and Rat continue to set an illegal drinking pace as they are in obvious pain while watching IU get destroyed by Kentucky.
12:19 p.m. Kiss begins taking shots.
12:23 p.m. Cokie finishes his second beer in two hours and is officially the first to become "highly buzzed."
12:48 p.m. Having already dropped $150, Marty goes to the ATM for the first time.
12:59 p.m. Tokio Jones and Kahn finish their third straight hour of holding hands. They are going for the world record today, folks.
1:13 p.m. The O'Cey begins to loosen up enough to start explaining the "O.C.E.Y." system of picking up chicks to unsuspecting and disgusted females.
O - Originality is the key
C - Creeping is acceptable and even encouraged
E - Expect some pushback from the creeping
Y - Yahtzee!1:25 p.m. T gives The O'Cey a well-deserved "queer" call.
1:32 p.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "smokin' hot" to "hot."
1:46 p.m. Koglin, upset about IU's 34 point loss to the Wildcats, begins to talk shit to Christopher Festa from across the bar.
1:48 p.m. Festa confronts Koglin.
1:49 p.m. Marty steps in. Festa apologizes profusely. Marty makes Festa give Koglin his fur coat.
2 p.m.-4 p.m.
The bar crawl is in full swing and the sloppiness is beginning to manifest itself.
2:04 p.m. Manic hears the story of Marty nearly killing a man in 2008. He becomes strangely attracted to Marty.
2:22 p.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "hot" to "attractive."
2:48 p.m. Cokie begins playing with Kari's breasts in public. This is typically his "I'm about an hour away from passing out" signal.
3:23 p.m. Chaz, who has been quiet thusfar, busts into the Superbowl Shuffle. He is immediately joined by the rest of the males in the group.
3:55 p.m. Marty visits the ATM for a second time.
4 p.m. to 6 p.m.
Some people continue with the bar crawl as planned while others make food stops. Ian's Pizza is the place of choice.
4:12 p.m. T throws a brick through the window of the Subway on Addison.
4:27 p.m. Cokie, now completely obliterated, begins lobbying for Kari to make out with other girls in a feeble attempt at sparking a threesome.
4:46 p.m. The group arrives at Moe's. Chaos ensues.
4:53 p.m. After sobering up from the food, Chaz, T and Kiss hit the Moe's bar hard, ordering margaritas, patron shots, Jagerbombs while completely degrading any and every waitress that serves them.
5:04 p.m. Tokio Jones has his first drink.
5:16 p.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "attractive" to "cute."
5:24 p.m. Manic, after drinking nothing but double mixed drinks all day, begins badgering Marty about having a wrestling match. Marty, a tranquil man unless provoked, still regrets his actions in 2008 and is resistant to even joke around about fighting.
5:33 p.m. The action spills onto the Moe's dance floor, where Jones and Stu have a dance-off that would make Michael Jackson proud. Kahn attempts to join the dance off. Stu punches her harder than Snookie gets punched on Jersey Shore. Jones has a total body orgasm at the sight of this.
5:47 p.m. Everyone in the bar is forced to turn their attention to Koglin and Rat, who are screaming in absolute agony and disbelief when they find out the Brian Kelly/Notre Dame rumors were untrue. Norte Dame's new head coach is actually worse than Brian Kelly. The new Notre Dame coach is actually none other than Pete Carroll.
5:53 p.m. A defeated and emotional Koglin tells Rat, "You're all I've got left. I'll never let go, Rat. Never."
6 p.m.-8 p.m.
After 8 hours of drinking, the men begin to become separated from the boys.
6:02 p.m. Marty visits the ATM for the third time.
6:16 p.m. Cokie throws in the towel. He and Kari go home, with Cokie holding out hope that he can convince Skyla to be the third member of the threesome.
6:57 p.m. Moe's is completely packed. The only man that can get through all the people in line for drinks is Stu, who travels through the crowd via a series of spin moves, swim moves and ballerina-like footwork.
7:22 p.m. Mercifully, the group leaves Moe's.
7:34 p.m. While walking to the next bar, Manic finally becomes disillusioned enough to the point where he actually believes Marty is Andre the Giant. Manic jumps on Marty's back and attempts to administer a sleeper hold. Marty goes down to one knee. Chaz raises Marty's arm once, lets it go and it drops to his side. Chaz raises Marty's arm again, drops it, and again it falls lifelessly to his side. One more and Marty is eliminated. This time, Marty does not let his hand fall. He gets back up to his feet with Manic still perched atop his back. He reaches back with his large paw, grabs Manic by the neck and throws him over his shoulder onto the icy ground. The group continues to the next bar as a half-dead, half erect Manic lies on the sidewalk laughing sadistically.
7:48 p.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "cute" to "fuckable."
7:56 p.m. T and Kiss switch to Jack.
8 p.m.-10 p.m.
The final stretch of the bar crawl.
8:10 p.m. Manic returns and is hell bent on revenge. He storms into the bar and immediately goes after Marty. Not wanting to hurt the wasian, Marty tries to fend him off, but when Manic connects on a slap to the side of the face, the giant is ignited. Marty becomes outraged, tossing off those who are trying to restrain him like rag dolls. Manic quickly exits the bar but is followed by Marty.
8:27 p.m. Kiss is at a crossroads. Unsatisfied by Ian's Pizza and unwilling to go to Mexicana, he makes the executive decision to take a cab to Jamito's and return in time for the final bar. Many people warn him that it is too early for Jamito's, but as a back-to-back champion, Kiss is slightly overconfident. No Caucasian male has ever eaten Jamito's late at night and made it back out to the bar to tell about it.
8:44 p.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "fuckable" to "I'm drunk, she'll do."
8:54 p.m. The group decides to hit up one more bar before the Cubby Bear finale.
9:01 p.m. Kiss finishes off his third burrito. His attention turns to finding a place to take a quick food coma. Out of habit, he tries to return to his old apartment on Sheffield. When the door is locked, he breaks the window of his old bedroom, climbs inside and passes out in some random woman's bed.
9:09 p.m. The group arrives at another bar and is shocked to see Marty and Manic sitting together at the bar doing shots. Apparently they have settled their differences. However, once people start asking them what happened, Manic gets riled up again and begins Flair-chopping Marty in the chest. Marty grabs Manic by the neck and chokeslams him through a table. A crowd of onlookers lets out a loud "Ohhhhh!" Chaz is erect.
9:27 p.m. Manic is carried out of the bar on a stretcher. Marty is lead out in handcuffs.
9:34 p.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "I'm drunk, she'll do" to "She's not that bad."
10 p.m.-midnight
What is left of the group heads to Cubby Bear to collect their final wires and prepare for the final showdown.
10:06 p.m. While the others are standing in line for Cubby Bear, Rat craftily sneaks off and grabs a cab to meet his mystery fling. T is prepared for such a move and has already arranged to have Rat followed.
10:14 p.m. T's investigative reporter reveals that Rat was dropped off at a bar on Halsted in Boystown. There he meets a blond-haired lover named Jordi, who is known as "Golden Taint" in the gay community.
10:22 p.m. T reveals the news to Koglin. After an already awful day due to IU and Notre Dame, hearing that Rat is cheating on him with man named Golden Taint is the last straw for poor Joey. He goes berzerk and begins trashing the Cubby Bear. This draws the attention of bouncers and Christopher Festa himself, who has his eye on reclaiming his fur coat now that Marty is gone, presumably making some Mexican his bitch in county jail. Koglin knows this is the end, but as he is being escourted out of the bar by several bouncers and Festa, he turns around and delivers an knee-buckling nutshot to Festa. It goes down as the single greatest moment in TBOX history. Everyone in the bar that has received 34,562 e-mails about TBOX in the past two months lets out a loud roar. Much like Roy McAvoy's shot in the U.S. Open in Tin Cup, people might not remember who wins this TBOX, but they will remember Koglin's legendary shot.
10:25 p.m. An irate Koglin grabs a cab and heads to Boystown to confront Rat and Golden Taint.
10:30 p.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "She's not that bad" to "I'm going to regret this."
10:34 p.m. After acquiring his wire, T is feeling the pressure and leaves the bar with a friend to clear his mind and relax with the help of his favorite herbal remedy. He is never seen again. This exit is more embarrassing than his fantasy record the past three years.
10:46 p.m. The O'Cey goes to the bathroom and does not return. He passes out in a puddle of urine in the bathroom stall. These men are dropping like flies.
11:02 p.m. The woman that lives in Kiss' old apartment returns home and is mortified to find Kiss lying in her bed in nothing but a wife beater. There are burrito wrappers, glass and taco sauce stains all over the bed. She calls the police. This is a collassal upset. Only three competitors remain: Chaz, Tokio Jones and Stinki Stu, who are all locked in a heated final battle at the Cubby Bear.
11:37 p.m. Jones, concerned over the wellbeing of his roommates, leaves to find them. It is the classiest exit in TBOX history.
11:40 p.m. There are only two competitors remaining. Chaz and Stu. Both men are beyond intoxicated as they approach their 14th straight hour of drinking. Stu has not stopped sweating since his dance off against Tokio Jones at 5:30 p.m. Chaz's eyes are so cashed he lookes like an oriental woman.
11:54 p.m. Chaz and Vallem decide to take their battle to another bar. These men have been friends for 14 years but now they are the fiercest of foes. Chaz is looking to win the big one one last time before his career is over and Stu is a man looking to expand his legend to unfathomable heights with this win.
12:00 a.m. The men walk as they cannot agree on another bar. Stu argues that Chaz has had homefield advantage all day and suggests a Lincoln Park bar. Chaz is not having it. They forget what they were talking about. Their competitiveness turns into an extreme street dancing competition. Yes, they are drunk. Yes, they are white.
12:03 a.m. Through the course of their drunken dancing, the men separate and lose each other. Both are so drunk they cannot remember who they were even with.
12:08 a.m. Chaz assumes he has won and makes a trip to McDonald's for a victory Sunday. He then returns home.
12:09 a.m. Stu becomes distracted by a bum with a guitar and also assumes he has won. He goes over to the bum and begins rapping "Number One" by Nelly. After this embarrassing display, Stu is inspired by his victory and stumbles home to plan his new Christmas album, "Black Christmas."
12:41 a.m. The O'Cey wakes up from his embarrassing slumber. He emerges from the bathroom stall at Cubby Bear looking more fucked up than Gary Busse. Still obliterated, he stumbles out of the bathroom and tries to find everyone. When he cannot, he goes to the bar and orders a drink and a shot while he's waiting to see someone he recognizes.
12:46 a.m. The O'Cey lowers his standards from "I'm going to regret this" to "This chick would cause Steve Phillips to projectile vomit."
12:49 a.m. Completely belligerent, The O'Cey stumbles out of the bar and heads home, not realizing he is technically the Last Man Standing and has just pulled off the sloppiest upset in TBOX history. Frustrated he could not find a sea mammal to mate with, The O'Cey is also too drunk to realize he could be the winner. Instead he believes he has lost and returns to his apartment and completely trashes it. Doors are broken, holes are put in the wall, tables and chairs are strewn about the entire place; only the TV is spared. Chaz remains completely passed out through all of this.
12:56 a.m. Marty and Kiss spend the night in county jail together. Kiss is the little spoon.
(Note: All the scenarios above are completely fabricated and should not be taken as anything even remotely close to fact. Well, the career highlights might have a hint of truth to them I suppose, but that's it.)
Monday, November 30, 2009
Music notes
Trying desperately to get back into the groove of this thing. With any luck I'll go back and update some old music reviews that have been pending throughout the fall (i.e. my confusion over how much I really enjoy the Pearl Jam album, my turn on Muse, an absolute thrashing of John Mayer and gushing over Them Crooked Vultures...okay, maybe "gushing" is a bit much. All they did was make a very good album, but sprinkle a treat like that over the musical mediocrity that was 2009 and I can't help but get excited).
Anywho, for now take solace in the fact that The Flaming Lips will be covering Dark Side Of The Moon on New Year's Eve and enjoy this clip of Phish covering TV On The Radio's "Golden Age." (I just realized between all the band names, album names and song names in that last sentence, it likely only made sense to about 5% of my readership.)
Anywho, for now take solace in the fact that The Flaming Lips will be covering Dark Side Of The Moon on New Year's Eve and enjoy this clip of Phish covering TV On The Radio's "Golden Age." (I just realized between all the band names, album names and song names in that last sentence, it likely only made sense to about 5% of my readership.)
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
The legend of 'The Playlist'
For several years, rumors have swirled about the legend of 'The Playlist'. Many individuals—both men and women; gay, straight, bi or sexually confused—have wondered what this magical collection of songs is all about, and only a select few have been lucky enough to experience it first-hand.
The contents of The Playlist are highly confidential and will not be revealed here. However, for reasons that will become apparent later, this post will end up being worth the read. But we are getting ahead of ourselves. We must first establish a few things in regards to the legend of The Playlist.
What is The Playlist?
The Playlist is an ever-evolving collection of 75-100 songs that has been the driving force behind many a sexual conquest since 2003. It is typically only played between the hours of 10 p.m. and 5 a.m. and is continuously being modified, perfected and revamped. It is commonly regarded as my "signature move," although the specific songs that appear on The Playlist have remained ambiguous to everyone except those who have experienced it first-hand.
What is the origin of The Playlist?
The Playlist pre-dates iTunes. Hell, it pre-dates iPods. Back in the primitive year of 2003 when such technologies were just being introduced, The Playlist was the offspring produced when I successfully bred several mix CDs together by using advanced mp3 technology to rip the songs onto my computer and compile them into a single playlist (pre-iTunes, this was just as difficult as it seems). I used the MusicMatch jukebox on my computer that was connected to my stereo system via a USB cord in my dorm room. The song name displayed digitally on the front of the stereo. At the time this technology was practically unheard of. Then the iPod hit the mainstream and allowed for portable playlists that did not have the length restrictions of mix CDs. For playlist-creating purposes, me acquiring an iPod would be akin to allowing Don Draper to do all his work on a computer.
Who has heard The Playlist?
It's tough to put an exact number on it. We're not talking Wilt Chamberlain numbers here, but all the females who can claim to have heard it, heard it under the same circumstances: none of them were clothed. I would say The Playlist has a 90% success rate in provoking nudity. Over the years, this has proven to be my most effective clothing-removal tool. The view of the Chicago skyline from the roof of my condo comes in second place with a 65% nudity success rate. (Note: for the safety of the female involved, the combination of The Playlist and the rooftop has never been attempted. Besides, I'm not sure how someone could get 155% naked anyway.) This blog remains at an embarrassing 0% nudity success rate.
What songs are included in The Playlist?
The Playlist has traditionally been a revolving door of essential songs that have to be included ("Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton), good mood-setting songs ("Time Of The Season" by The Zombies) and occasionally songs that are there specifically because of the person I am with at the time. (This tradition has gone the way of the dodo in recent years. An example would be a song that has the soon-to-be naked lady's name in the title. When it comes to well-known songs that share the same name as one of my indiscretions, in my career I have poked two girls named after two different Allman Brothers songs and one named after a Boston song. Still working on a Layla if there's one of you out there that's looking for a good romp.) Over the years The Playlist has evolved from a highly cliche (and gay...more on this shortly) collection of songs to a highly respectable collection of songs (at least I'd like to think so).
So what you're saying is, at this point The Playlist is just a general collection of songs that you use with all women?
Yes. Its beginnings were noble once upon a time. In my defense, if a woman is determined to be worthy of more than The Playlist, she receives a mix CD. (Obviously, since a mix CD requires more effort and skill. Please try to keep up with me here folks.)
What milestones have been achieved while listening to The Playlist?
I am going to plead the fifth here. Who is asking these questions, anyway?
Has more than one woman experienced The Playlist at the same time?
:)
Does The Playlist really make the experience better?
Let me put it this way, I've never met a woman who was not satisfied by the music in The Playlist. The satisfaction related to what is going on while The Playlist is playing, well that's a different story. (Oh, and that smiley face in the last response was a complete lie.)
I heard a rumor that The Playlist is just a crutch to distract women from your case of chronic whiskey dick. Is this true?
I'm not here to talk about personnel. (Yes I just channeled Lovie Smith there.)
Are you familiar with the basic human emotion commonly referred to as 'love'?
Almost...it's accompanied by a tingling feeling in the stomach called 'butterflies', correct? I felt this sensation once but upon seeking medical consultation it was diagnosed as gas. I think I got the gist of it though.
You are an asshole.
I do not appreciate your tone. First of all, that was not even a question. Secondly, I am interviewing myself, so that makes you an asshole too.
What is currently on The Playlist?
Again, I will not be sharing that information in this post. It would be like a chef giving up the key ingredients to his best dish. The Playlist is between the ladies and me.
Then what is the point of this post?
I'm glad you asked. I promised this would be worth reading, therefore I will do you one better than revealing the current contents of The Playlist. I know, you're thinking 'What could be better than that?' Let me explain. Recently I stumbled upon an old scrapbook from a previous relationship. In this scrapbook, I found a printout of an early version of The Playlist from college. After some initial confusion as to why the young college version of me felt the need to print and keep The Playlist, I realized the significance of what I was looking at. What I discovered earlier this week was none other than the exact list of 76 songs that were playing when I lost my virginity, in the exact sequence they were played (this is not a joke....as Bill Simmons would say, this ranks a perfect 10 out of 10 on the unintentional comedy scale). Anyway, please take a moment to let this soak in...seriously though, scrapbook or not, only I would have this. There has to be less than 0.1% of people on the entire planet that would have something like this. And I can't imagine any of them being even remotely cool. Anyway, I have no doubts that someday this document will be preserved with the same vigor and care that's associated with the Declaration of Independence, The Magna Carta and the hard copy of Michael Jordan's Basketball Hall Of Fame induction speech.
Obviously the only thing more enjoyable than discovering this original version of The Playlist would be to publicly criticize it....
Key:
terrible song
great song
impressive deep cut/rare song
no longer on The Playlist
still on The Playlist
was not my decision to include
vomit-inducing...no longer even part of my music library
wtf is this even doing here?
happy time! (doubt I'll even use this but it seemed appropriate)
To set the scene: it was Halloween weekend, I was in college and the act occurred on the (carpeted) floor of my dorm room. (My twin bed was lofted, making it difficult to mate safely; and the futon was squeaky, uncomfortable and the cushion was black...it did not promote subtlety.) Those are the only details I am at liberty to reveal. Our night of passionate sinning begins with:
"Forever & For Always*" by Shania Twain
*Not the start I was hoping for.
"She Talks To Angels" by The Black Crowes*
*Spelled simply "Black Crows" at that time
"Farmhouse" by Phish
"Stellar (acoustic)" by Incubus
"A Long December*" by Counting Crows
*A little depressing, no? It will become obvious from viewing this that in this early version of The Playlist I was still having trouble distinguishing between 'slow songs' and 'downright depressing songs.'
"Blackbird" by Paul McCartney*
*No idea why this isn't The Beatles.
"Everything I Do" by Brian Adams
"Throw Away (acoustic)" by Jim Vallem*
*This is not a joke. Yes, even in 2003 my obsession with this man was such that I lost my virginity to one of his songs.
"Drops of Jupiter" by Train
"Livin' On A Prayer*" by Bon Jovi
*Wow, really??
"Amber" by 311
"Baby" by Dave Matthews
"Crash Into Me" by Dave Matthews Band
"Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton
"Hanging By A Moment (acoustic)" by Lifehouse
"Again I Go Unnoticed" by Dashboard Confessional
"Untitled" by O.A.R.
"Wildflowers" by Tom Petty
"Wild Horses" by The Rolling Stones with Dave Matthews
"Follow You Down" by the Gin Blossoms
"You Never Know" by Dave Matthews Band
"Time Of Your Life" by Green Day
"I'd Do Anything For You*" by Simple Plan
*Yikes.
"Could Not Ask For More" by Edwin McCain
"Tuesday's Gone" by Lynyrd Skynyrd
"The Space Between (acoustic)" by Dave Matthews Band
"Dance With Me" by Live
"I'm With You" by Avril Lavigne
"I Wanna Grow Old With You*" by Adam Sandler
*Yes, this is the song from The Wedding Singer.
"Why Georgia" by John Mayer
"Road Outside Columbus" by O.A.R.
"Motorcycle Driveby" by Third Eye Blind
"The Dolphin's Cry" by Live
"In My Life* (acoustic)" by Dave Matthews
*Beatles cover song.
"Amazed*" by Lonestar
*And I got laid during this display of musical retardation...really?
"Here With You*" by 3 Doors Down
*This is getting downright embarrassing.
"Be With You" by Mr. Big
"Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls
"Waiting" by Sugar Ray
"St. Patrick's Day" by John Mayer
"Granny*" by Dave Matthews Band
*From the Listener Supported live album.
"Hey Girl" by O.A.R.
"If I Am" by Nine Days
"The Luckiest*" by Ben Folds
*I just listened to this song and it is by far one of the saddest songs I've ever heard.
"The World I Know" by Collective Soul
"Red Dirt Road" by Brooks and Dunn *
*The most upsetting part of this is I've always hated country.
"If I Could, I Would" by Phish
"Name (acoustic)" by Goo Goo Dolls
"Have You Ever Seen The Rain" by Creedence Clearwater Revival
"Loving Wings" by Dave Matthews Band
"Tears In Heaven*" by Eric Clapton
*Yes, this is the song about Clapton's dead son. Even stranger, I knew this at the time. So right now I am just bewildered as you are as to why it is on The Playlist.
"Rest Of My Life" by Unwritten Law
"Somewhere Out There" by Our Lady Peace
"I'll Be*" by Edwin McCain
*I am deeply regretting my decision to share these songs on the blog.
"When A Man Loves A Woman" by Michael Bolton*
*Read this entry and you will understand. Not that it makes it less gay. Dear God.
"Piano Man" by Billy Joel
"Lie In Our Graves" by Dave Matthews Band
"Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones
"Times Like These (acoustic)" by Foo Fighters
"Say Goodbye" by Dave Matthews Band
"Sweetest Thing" by U2
"Screaming Infidelities (acoustic)" by Dashboard Confessional
"Lonely Road Of Faith*" by Kid Rock
*That's it, I don't care if this was 6+ years ago or not, no one is ever going to respect my musical opinion again. Ever.
"Deep Inside Of You" by Third Eye Blind
"One Sweet World" by Dave Matthews Band
"Let It Be" by The Beatles
"There Is" by Box Car Racer
"Comfortable (acoustic)" by John Mayer
"Hook" by Blues Traveler
"Lightning Crashes" by Live
"Delicate Few" by O.A.R.
"Lullaby" by Ben Folds Five
"Lover Lay Down" by Dave Matthews Band
"Black" by Pearl Jam
"Forever Young*" by Bob Dylan
*One of the most random songs I've ever seen.
"Everything" by Lifehouse
"Daughter" by Pearl Jam
Yeah...so when "Amazed" was followed by that 3 Doors Down song...that's about when I realized this was getting pretty degrading. For those keeping tabs at home, here are some notable stats about that list.
-76 total songs
-4 songs still on The Playlist today
-16 songs completely deleted from my music library
-11 songs by Dave Matthews/DMB
-2 Pearl Jam songs that would be terrible to make love to
-2 songs by The Beatles (one of which isn't even properly referenced)
-0 songs by Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Radiohead...hell, I'd even take a Coldplay song
Until going through this entire entry, I did not realize just how far The Playlist has come (and just how embarrassing it once was). It currently sits at 84 songs and it is now a well-oiled, nudity-inducing machine.
You'll just have to take my word for it...
The contents of The Playlist are highly confidential and will not be revealed here. However, for reasons that will become apparent later, this post will end up being worth the read. But we are getting ahead of ourselves. We must first establish a few things in regards to the legend of The Playlist.
What is The Playlist?
The Playlist is an ever-evolving collection of 75-100 songs that has been the driving force behind many a sexual conquest since 2003. It is typically only played between the hours of 10 p.m. and 5 a.m. and is continuously being modified, perfected and revamped. It is commonly regarded as my "signature move," although the specific songs that appear on The Playlist have remained ambiguous to everyone except those who have experienced it first-hand.
What is the origin of The Playlist?
The Playlist pre-dates iTunes. Hell, it pre-dates iPods. Back in the primitive year of 2003 when such technologies were just being introduced, The Playlist was the offspring produced when I successfully bred several mix CDs together by using advanced mp3 technology to rip the songs onto my computer and compile them into a single playlist (pre-iTunes, this was just as difficult as it seems). I used the MusicMatch jukebox on my computer that was connected to my stereo system via a USB cord in my dorm room. The song name displayed digitally on the front of the stereo. At the time this technology was practically unheard of. Then the iPod hit the mainstream and allowed for portable playlists that did not have the length restrictions of mix CDs. For playlist-creating purposes, me acquiring an iPod would be akin to allowing Don Draper to do all his work on a computer.
Who has heard The Playlist?
It's tough to put an exact number on it. We're not talking Wilt Chamberlain numbers here, but all the females who can claim to have heard it, heard it under the same circumstances: none of them were clothed. I would say The Playlist has a 90% success rate in provoking nudity. Over the years, this has proven to be my most effective clothing-removal tool. The view of the Chicago skyline from the roof of my condo comes in second place with a 65% nudity success rate. (Note: for the safety of the female involved, the combination of The Playlist and the rooftop has never been attempted. Besides, I'm not sure how someone could get 155% naked anyway.) This blog remains at an embarrassing 0% nudity success rate.
What songs are included in The Playlist?
The Playlist has traditionally been a revolving door of essential songs that have to be included ("Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton), good mood-setting songs ("Time Of The Season" by The Zombies) and occasionally songs that are there specifically because of the person I am with at the time. (This tradition has gone the way of the dodo in recent years. An example would be a song that has the soon-to-be naked lady's name in the title. When it comes to well-known songs that share the same name as one of my indiscretions, in my career I have poked two girls named after two different Allman Brothers songs and one named after a Boston song. Still working on a Layla if there's one of you out there that's looking for a good romp.) Over the years The Playlist has evolved from a highly cliche (and gay...more on this shortly) collection of songs to a highly respectable collection of songs (at least I'd like to think so).
So what you're saying is, at this point The Playlist is just a general collection of songs that you use with all women?
Yes. Its beginnings were noble once upon a time. In my defense, if a woman is determined to be worthy of more than The Playlist, she receives a mix CD. (Obviously, since a mix CD requires more effort and skill. Please try to keep up with me here folks.)
What milestones have been achieved while listening to The Playlist?
I am going to plead the fifth here. Who is asking these questions, anyway?
Has more than one woman experienced The Playlist at the same time?
:)
Does The Playlist really make the experience better?
Let me put it this way, I've never met a woman who was not satisfied by the music in The Playlist. The satisfaction related to what is going on while The Playlist is playing, well that's a different story. (Oh, and that smiley face in the last response was a complete lie.)
I heard a rumor that The Playlist is just a crutch to distract women from your case of chronic whiskey dick. Is this true?
I'm not here to talk about personnel. (Yes I just channeled Lovie Smith there.)
Are you familiar with the basic human emotion commonly referred to as 'love'?
Almost...it's accompanied by a tingling feeling in the stomach called 'butterflies', correct? I felt this sensation once but upon seeking medical consultation it was diagnosed as gas. I think I got the gist of it though.
You are an asshole.
I do not appreciate your tone. First of all, that was not even a question. Secondly, I am interviewing myself, so that makes you an asshole too.
What is currently on The Playlist?
Again, I will not be sharing that information in this post. It would be like a chef giving up the key ingredients to his best dish. The Playlist is between the ladies and me.
Then what is the point of this post?
I'm glad you asked. I promised this would be worth reading, therefore I will do you one better than revealing the current contents of The Playlist. I know, you're thinking 'What could be better than that?' Let me explain. Recently I stumbled upon an old scrapbook from a previous relationship. In this scrapbook, I found a printout of an early version of The Playlist from college. After some initial confusion as to why the young college version of me felt the need to print and keep The Playlist, I realized the significance of what I was looking at. What I discovered earlier this week was none other than the exact list of 76 songs that were playing when I lost my virginity, in the exact sequence they were played (this is not a joke....as Bill Simmons would say, this ranks a perfect 10 out of 10 on the unintentional comedy scale). Anyway, please take a moment to let this soak in...seriously though, scrapbook or not, only I would have this. There has to be less than 0.1% of people on the entire planet that would have something like this. And I can't imagine any of them being even remotely cool. Anyway, I have no doubts that someday this document will be preserved with the same vigor and care that's associated with the Declaration of Independence, The Magna Carta and the hard copy of Michael Jordan's Basketball Hall Of Fame induction speech.
Obviously the only thing more enjoyable than discovering this original version of The Playlist would be to publicly criticize it....
Key:
terrible song
great song impressive deep cut/rare song no longer on The Playlist
still on The Playlist
was not my decision to include vomit-inducing...no longer even part of my music library
wtf is this even doing here?
happy time! (doubt I'll even use this but it seemed appropriate)To set the scene: it was Halloween weekend, I was in college and the act occurred on the (carpeted) floor of my dorm room. (My twin bed was lofted, making it difficult to mate safely; and the futon was squeaky, uncomfortable and the cushion was black...it did not promote subtlety.) Those are the only details I am at liberty to reveal. Our night of passionate sinning begins with:
"Forever & For Always*" by Shania Twain
*Not the start I was hoping for.
"She Talks To Angels" by The Black Crowes*
*Spelled simply "Black Crows" at that time
"Farmhouse" by Phish
"Stellar (acoustic)" by Incubus
"A Long December*" by Counting Crows
*A little depressing, no? It will become obvious from viewing this that in this early version of The Playlist I was still having trouble distinguishing between 'slow songs' and 'downright depressing songs.'
"Blackbird" by Paul McCartney*
*No idea why this isn't The Beatles.
"Everything I Do" by Brian Adams
"Throw Away (acoustic)" by Jim Vallem*
*This is not a joke. Yes, even in 2003 my obsession with this man was such that I lost my virginity to one of his songs.
"Drops of Jupiter" by Train
"Livin' On A Prayer*" by Bon Jovi
*Wow, really??
"Amber" by 311
"Baby" by Dave Matthews
"Crash Into Me" by Dave Matthews Band
"Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton
"Hanging By A Moment (acoustic)" by Lifehouse
"Again I Go Unnoticed" by Dashboard Confessional
"Untitled" by O.A.R.
"Wildflowers" by Tom Petty
"Wild Horses" by The Rolling Stones with Dave Matthews
"Follow You Down" by the Gin Blossoms
"You Never Know" by Dave Matthews Band
"Time Of Your Life" by Green Day
"I'd Do Anything For You*" by Simple Plan
*Yikes.
"Could Not Ask For More" by Edwin McCain
"Tuesday's Gone" by Lynyrd Skynyrd
"The Space Between (acoustic)" by Dave Matthews Band
"Dance With Me" by Live
"I'm With You" by Avril Lavigne
"I Wanna Grow Old With You*" by Adam Sandler
*Yes, this is the song from The Wedding Singer.
"Why Georgia" by John Mayer
"Road Outside Columbus" by O.A.R.
"Motorcycle Driveby" by Third Eye Blind
"The Dolphin's Cry" by Live
"In My Life* (acoustic)" by Dave Matthews
*Beatles cover song.
"Amazed*" by Lonestar
*And I got laid during this display of musical retardation...really?
"Here With You*" by 3 Doors Down
*This is getting downright embarrassing.
"Be With You" by Mr. Big
"Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls
"Waiting" by Sugar Ray
"St. Patrick's Day" by John Mayer
"Granny*" by Dave Matthews Band
*From the Listener Supported live album.
"Hey Girl" by O.A.R.
"If I Am" by Nine Days
"The Luckiest*" by Ben Folds
*I just listened to this song and it is by far one of the saddest songs I've ever heard.
"The World I Know" by Collective Soul
"Red Dirt Road" by Brooks and Dunn
**The most upsetting part of this is I've always hated country.
"If I Could, I Would" by Phish
"Name (acoustic)" by Goo Goo Dolls
"Have You Ever Seen The Rain" by Creedence Clearwater Revival
"Loving Wings" by Dave Matthews Band
"Tears In Heaven*" by Eric Clapton
*Yes, this is the song about Clapton's dead son. Even stranger, I knew this at the time. So right now I am just bewildered as you are as to why it is on The Playlist.
"Rest Of My Life" by Unwritten Law
"Somewhere Out There" by Our Lady Peace
"I'll Be*" by Edwin McCain
*I am deeply regretting my decision to share these songs on the blog.
"When A Man Loves A Woman" by Michael Bolton*
*Read this entry and you will understand. Not that it makes it less gay. Dear God.
"Piano Man" by Billy Joel
"Lie In Our Graves" by Dave Matthews Band
"Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones
"Times Like These (acoustic)" by Foo Fighters
"Say Goodbye" by Dave Matthews Band
"Sweetest Thing" by U2
"Screaming Infidelities (acoustic)" by Dashboard Confessional
"Lonely Road Of Faith*" by Kid Rock
*That's it, I don't care if this was 6+ years ago or not, no one is ever going to respect my musical opinion again. Ever.
"Deep Inside Of You" by Third Eye Blind
"One Sweet World" by Dave Matthews Band
"Let It Be" by The Beatles
"There Is" by Box Car Racer
"Comfortable (acoustic)" by John Mayer
"Hook" by Blues Traveler
"Lightning Crashes" by Live
"Delicate Few" by O.A.R.
"Lullaby" by Ben Folds Five
"Lover Lay Down" by Dave Matthews Band
"Black" by Pearl Jam
"Forever Young*" by Bob Dylan
*One of the most random songs I've ever seen.
"Everything" by Lifehouse
"Daughter" by Pearl Jam
Yeah...so when "Amazed" was followed by that 3 Doors Down song...that's about when I realized this was getting pretty degrading. For those keeping tabs at home, here are some notable stats about that list.
-76 total songs
-4 songs still on The Playlist today
-16 songs completely deleted from my music library
-11 songs by Dave Matthews/DMB
-2 Pearl Jam songs that would be terrible to make love to
-2 songs by The Beatles (one of which isn't even properly referenced)
-0 songs by Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Radiohead...hell, I'd even take a Coldplay song
Until going through this entire entry, I did not realize just how far The Playlist has come (and just how embarrassing it once was). It currently sits at 84 songs and it is now a well-oiled, nudity-inducing machine.
You'll just have to take my word for it...
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
'Happy Halloween' from Pearl Jam
Eddie and the crew dressed up as Devo for their All Hallows Eve show in Philly over the weekend. Bonus is their playful rendition of "Whip It."
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Hunger Strike
Eddie Vedder and Chris Cornell reunite (along with Jerry Cantrell) during a Pearl Jam show at the Gibson Amphitheater in Los Angeles to sing the Temple of the Dog favorite "Hunger Strike" (and Cornell sounds unreal by the way):
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